Be the Sunshine

I used to work with this horribly moody coworker and I dreaded every shift with her…until I started to think about WHY she was moody. Were things bad at home? Did she have something going on? Rather than succumb to her cloud of darkness, I started smiling at her more – despite her consistent frown. I started asking her how she was and how the day was going for her.

She didn’t immediately open up but I persisted…and then one day she cracked a smile. And another day she laughed. Turns out, she was moody sometimes because she was missing her beautiful kids when they were away for the summer and she was suffering from chronic headaches. But once I broke the barrier with her, I caught her smiling at me first when we passed each other!

If you’re under someone else’s dark cloud, try to be the sunshine! Someday they might even return the favor. β˜€οΈ

Positivity Blog

With all the bad stuff that tends to happen throughout life, I’ve decided to shape this blog up and give it a specific purpose rather than posting random bits of writing and rants and whatnot. This is now going to be a positivity blog only!

I will be creating positive vibes with nice memes, quotes, edits, and feel-good stories about myself or other people. Because why not have a page and a blog dedicated to positivity? If you’ve got amazing, feel-good things to share, feel free to post them on my Facebook page. I’d love to post some of your stories and quotes and feel-good memes here!

Luckily, I feel like the name “Lacy Lumos” is still appropriate since both aspects of the name seem light and cheery – which is what I hope to achieve.

Feel free to tag, share, and save anything I post on here! Thank you!!

“13 Reasons Why” and Me

Getting older is an accomplishment for me and I have been reminded of it after watching the show “13 Reasons Why.” *Spoilers ahead!* Most of you know I have Bipolar Disorder and OCD and have struggled with those things ruining my life, and “13 Reasons Why” really hit close to home. The parallels between the show and my life are absolutely terrifying. I cried when I watched Hannah kill herself, even though she was a fictional character, because of who she represented. She was a symbol of my fourteen-year-old feelings and she represents people who have ACTUALLY killed themselves over traumatic events. My life-changing event happened when I was fourteen and it left me feeling as though my body wasn’t my own anymore, just like Hannah. I thought about killing myself A LOT but I was too afraid (thank goodness).

But after a 13-year battle with depression, a diagnosis, and several med changes later, I can say that I appreciate life again! Even if it means getting older. I’m getting more wrinkles and pains (and bills), but I am SO happy to be here on this earth and I am so grateful for all the times I pushed through the bad times…because it led me here. I’m in love, I’m in school pursuing all of my dreams, I have a beautiful, healthy baby boy and a cuddly (and rambunctious) rat terrier, and, of course, I am mentally healthy enough to enjoy all of these things now.

Overall, I just want everyone to know a few things from this blog:

  1. It’s ok if you feel like you should be happy with things in your life but you’re not. If that’s the case, you need to analyze whether it’s part of your environment or your mental health (or both) and GET HELP. MAKE CHANGES. You deserve to live a full, healthy life. Don’t settle for a moody existence like I did for so long. Don’t hurt yourself out of frustration. Don’t kill yourself. Please.
  2. 13 Reasons Why was NOT targeted towards those of us with mental illness. If you haven’t watched it, please note that it can be hard to watch if you have anxiety, depression, or a history of suicidal thoughts. If you have already watched it and you feel depressed, talk to someone about it. Watch some cartoons. Build a blanket fort. Blow some bubbles. Love yourself.
  3. Please, please, PLEASE don’t glamorize mental illness. The actress who played Hannah is beautiful and the character was desired and she had friends, BUT, you don’t want to make friends by being that way. You don’t want to fall in love by being that way. You need to love yourself enough to be who YOU are–not your mental illness.
  4. If you’re going through a rough time right now and you’re worried you will commit suicide, call this number 1-800-273-8255 and know this: you are the hero in your story. You might be going through a heavy part of the story right now and you can choose to end your life…OR you can grow from what’s happening right now. You have the potential for serious character development, enlightenment, and wisdom–but you have to stay strong and hold on. THINGS. WILL. GET. BETTER.

Sending you all love. ❀


Sappy Post

So, Joe, Nolan, and I went to Half Price Books and when we were checking out, a guy (about my age) asked if Nolan was mine. I smiled and told him “yes” and then the guy nearly started crying and said I was lucky. He told me his son died during childbirth very recently and he was sad he didn’t get to be a dad. I was really uncomfortable with this stranger talking to me about personal things at first…but looking back, he must’ve been so envious of what Joe and I had.

I remember being there when we lost our first two and I remember kind of hating everyone who had kids. It didn’t seem fair. Why should I have endometriosis? Why should I have two miscarriages when so-and-so got pregnant on accident? I know what it’s like to be on the outside looking in and he’s still in the stage where he probably hates a little bit of the world and I hope he can move past those feelings.

Losing a child is hard but I’m in a place now where I’ve accepted what’s happened. What keeps me going is knowing that whether my babies have returned to being stardust or they’re in heaven somewhere, they made me a mom. I love to think my Nana is taking care of them and holding them the way I couldn’t in this world.

If I wasn’t so caught off guard I would’ve hugged that guy and told him he IS a dad, no matter what. And as corny as it is, I would tell him that his baby had the rare experience of knowing God from the moment he opened his eyes in heaven. Because we all want to know that our loved ones–even if we never held them–are in a beautiful place somewhere, waiting for us.

Just Some Random Writing

It had just stormed and wooden fences were splashed with rain like a careless child with paint. The sun had risen but it still seemed as though the pinks and yellows and reds had not broken through all the gloomy clouds. Even the crickets still thought it was nighttime – chirping away a beautiful song. Through open windows you could hear the rolling of tires through wet blacktop. Drizzle was still tip-tapping on the rooftops of houses. Trees were quietly slow-dancing on the wind. The occasional ca-caw echoed from crows in the distance. Street lights were still litβ€”and the world yawned awake.